Coffee
by WildWolfMoon
Summary: Tobi, do you know what happened the last time we gave Hidan coffee?” Kakuzu asked slowly.


"Ugh..." Hidan stumbled into the Akatsuki kitchen, crashing into a counter and falling to the floor with a loud crash, startling everyone in there.

"What's up with him, un?" Deidara asked, leaning over the table to stare at the immortal, who was lying on the floor, eyes shut.

"He's tired," Kakuzu explained, walking into the kitchen, bending over and hauling the Jashinist to his feet by his hair. Hidan merely mumbled something and swatted the hand away, causing him to drop back to the floor again.

"And why is he tired?" Sasori asked, grabbing a napkin and throwing it at Deidara. "Brat, wipe your face."

"Okay, danna...."

"He stayed up too late reading the "Great Book of Jashin" again," Kakuzu said, picking the immortal up by one arm and dumping him in a chair. Hidan's head fell forward to the table, hardly giving Deidara any time to grab his bowl of cereal out of the way as he hit with another loud crash.

"Aren't you guys leaving on a mission today?" Kisame asked, watching as Deidara poked the side of Hidan's head over and over.

"Yeah. But we can't leave if he's like this."

"Ooo! Ooo! Tobi knows how to wake Hidan-sempai up!" the masked boy yelled, jumping up and down and spilling his orange juice all over himself.

"And how would you do that, Tobi?" Itachi said tiredly, tugging his fingers through his messy black hair, which he had yet to tie back.

"Let's give him coffee!" Tobi proclaimed proudly, looking around the table, his voice happy and excited.

Silence greeted his ears.

"Isn't that a good idea?" Tobi said hopefully, looking around the group again.

"Tobi, do you know what happened the last time we gave Hidan coffee?" Kakuzu asked slowly.

"No...Tobi doesn't...."

"He went insane. And he somehow found Deidara's bombs. He blew up one of our hideouts."

"Oh, Tobi remembers this, because Tobi was near the base when it went boom!"

"And that is why we are not giving Hidan coffee," Itachi continued, grabbing a bagel from Deidara's hands.

"Hey, that's mine, un!"

"Not anymore, blondie."

"Danna..."

"Itachi, don't be mean."

"Let's get back to the topic, you guys," Kisame said.

"But Hidan-sempai is nearly asleep now, surely he won't get that hyper...?" Tobi asked hesitantly.

"I'm not risking it," Kakuzu muttered, grabbing an apple and stuffing it into the pocket of his cloak.

"But Tobi has a point, un!" Deidara said, looking up, a spoon in his hand. He'd been using it to whack the Jashinist's head with, and now the silvery hair was dripping with milk. Hidan hadn't even flinched at the blows, and his gentle snores could be heard around the kitchen.

"Don't you dare---shit."

'What is it, Kakuzu?" Kisame asked.

"I forgot my checkbook. I should go get that..." With that, the banker turned and walked from the kitchen.,

Deidara's face split into an evil grin.

"Tobi, get the coffee, un."

"You don't mean to--"

"I assure you I do, un."

* * *

"BOW DOWN TO JASHIN OR BURN IN HELL, DUMBASSES!"

The entire Akatsuki, save for Kakuzu, who was still looking for his checkbook, were crowed inside of the pantry, peeking out through a crack as they watched Hidan's scythe tear open a cabinet, Tobi's honey nut cereal spilling open and to the floor.

The ground was already covered in smashed glass, broken plates, spilled food and the bits and pieces of chairs that Hidan had torn apart. The table was a wreck, gashes up and down the wood and one of the legs torn off.

Tobi was hiding in the very back, his eyes wide behind his mask.

"Maybe giving Hidan-sempai coffee wasn't a good thing," he whispered.

"Gee, you think, un?"

"I can see why Kakuzu wanted to avoid this," Itachi commented dryly as they heard the sound of another dish breaking.

"Note to self; Hidan is not a good person to give caffeine to, un."

"WHO GAVE HIM COFFEE?!"

"And now we'll have to deal with Kakuzu, un."

"This is all your fault, brat."

CRASH

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" came Pein's voice.

"And Pein as well it seems," Itachi said.

"Who knew what one breakfast drink could do to a person, un?"

"Deidara, I'm hiding the coffee pot from you after this blows over."

"You have good reason, un."

* * *

**Author's Comments:** Yeah, this is kinda weird.

I was talking to ~blood-inthe-rain about me writing about Zetsu giving Tobi sugar in Puppets and Bombs, and she wondered what would happen if you gave Hidan coffee.

Well, I thought about it, and this is what came to my mind.

Yeah.

It's not really that good, I'm kinda sleepy and rushed it, but it's still kinda stupid and funny, no?


End file.
